Anti-Social – an adjective that describes a Human – not willing or unable to interact in a normal or friendly way with other people. I do not mean by Anti-Social Personality Disorder, but just a personality or a certain attitude, who doesn’t like or is not able to communicate, interact, socialize.
I will be writing this blog, with my personal point-of-view, it’s an adjective that is often used to describe me, my personality – my nature. If you have known me for quite a period of time, by know me – I mean actually spoke to me more than “Hi How are you? What you doing?” – but like if we ever had an actual conversation, you must’ve noticed it takes a whole other level of effort for me to keep the conversation going, or to even have a conversation with you, in case you were a stranger at first.
This Anti-Social personality is mostly taken negatively. Mostly compared to Being Bitchy, Arrogant, Egoistic. Fine, in my case, there are hints of those – no lie. But it’s my own choice, my own desire to have a hint of those mixed with the Anti-social personality for the sake of my Reputation and Fake Bitches Control.
What made me become an Anti-Social?
I wasn’t always an anti-social. Well, if you know me from my primary-secondary school days, you must know I was a blooming, cheerful, joyful, full of life & very talkative girl who loves to socialize a lot. I had a lot of friends, knew a lot of people, different sort of persona & got along very well too. But slowly, Life started to get real… and masks started coming off from faces.
My Outgoing, talkative personality was soon labeled as “Whore/Slut/Wanna-Be-Famous”. Mind you, I was Talkative, not flirtatious, but because I loved talking, loved to keep conversations going, breaking ice-bergs – being nice – it was taken that I was trying to either get “Famous” or “getting a guy in my pants”.
Since, my Reputation, Image is everything to me – I backed off majorly. I stepped back and isolated myself for 1-2 years, redesigning, rebuilding myself – started from Zero. I changed my phone number, deleted my old Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and all those sites where I ever posted a hint of my-outgoing-socializing-self. I just started hating that persona of myself, remembering those times started making me cringe to my core and wanted to forget those times like it was a nightmare.
I started putting up an image, of “Being a Bitch” – a person who doesn’t like to talk to just anyone, a person who “chooses” who she will speak to, about what & how much she will speak to. I started to build a reputation of – being an egoistic person, a girl who “chooses” if she needs to speak to you, are you worthy to be speaking to me?
I am aware, that you must be judging me to bits now, thinking “who the fuck she thinks she is?” But trust me, if you have been called a whore, slut or anything of those sorts, being called an Egoistic Bitch – feels like heaven.
What is it like to be an Anti-Social?
Honestly, it’s very peaceful, to the mind and soul. Because you are known as “Not interested to talk”, not many “strangers” would find you to start a conversation. Not many freaks would even be interested to know you, or to even ask about you – since your image is so “boring” and “so self-involved”. Trust me, it saves you from a lot of drama, rubbish talks and actually saves you from being a pointless topic of some life-less people’s chats.
But of course, where there is a positive side – there is always a negative side too. Since you are known as a “Bitch” – there are times when people take your personality evilly negative. Being an Anti-Social doesn’t mean, I am fond of myself, self-involved or thinks of myself as a Queen, but just that – I can’t maintain a conversation anymore or have the energy to start one with just anyone.
Of course, if someone does step forward to start a conversation with me, I won’t give you a look, or a vibe that I don’t want you here. Yet I get a lot of negatives, that “She thinks she is a Queen of some sort”, “She looks down on other people” – which of course I can’t blame them for thinking so, as that’s the image I put up – to shield myself.
Trust me when I say, I try my very best to maintain a conversation with you, or to give you positive vibes. If you ever see me just smiling at you – although for a split second, believe that took up a whole lot of Mental preparations and fighting against the tension within me just to smile at you.
The thing is, it will take time for me to let you in my “Nice Zone”, in order for me to talk to you dearly, with full attention and heart. When you do enter my “Nice zone”, only then you will realize that I am not as Bitchy as people think I am or say I am. (Not meaning to self-compliment like this but sometimes you just know yourself enough to debate.)
Of course, my friends for me is my Ride or Die types. I can do anything, legit anything for my friends, that’s how loyal and pure I am to my friends. So –
” I am not that Zalim, This Duniyaaa made me very Zalim. “
Trust me, that’s me – all the time ^
Do I miss my old-socializing self?
Honestly… I sometimes do. It was way easier to talk to people, to make them feel comfortable, to present myself, but now due to that fear of “Nonsense Drama” – I have completely lost the ability to do such. Now for me, to start a conversation is very difficult, just to present or introduce myself have become a struggle.
Although it brought peace to my mind & soul, helping me to keep the most real and throw the fakes away – helped me to stay strong and stiff – I would sometimes feel quite insulted when people would find my close friends and question them about my friendship with them. That how are they tolerating me? How are they even my friends? Why are they, my friends?
I want these “people” to actually go up to my friends, and ask them properly of the things I went through, and the situations I face – that built me into who I am today. Also feel free to ask them, how I treat them & if they ever felt the Bitchy side of me in my friendship with them.
I understand, the “let the dogs bark”, “don’t change yourself for others”, “Be you always” – but you know sometimes, it’s just not in your hands. You would always go on the path that would give you peace – so I willingly walked this road in being an Anti-Social and honestly, I have no plans yet whatsoever to go back to the way I was. I haven’t been happier and I haven’t had purer friends sticking by me since then.
“Yeh Duniyaaaaa… Yeh Duniyaaa peetal d… Yeh Duniyaaa Peetal d..”
by Sunny Leone Bhenji.
Khush Raho, te Khush Rakhko.