What’s up , Simran here –
So you must’ve all read the blog “Toxic Relationships: with STS-FAM”, (if you haven’t then what’s wrong with you? GO AND READ IT) and must be wondering what are toxic relationships?
Ps. Don’t take this blog very seriously and break up with your partner. We ain’t taking no guarantee. You are responsible for your own actions.
I will be listing a few types of toxic relationships, according to personal perspective.
When you hear “Toxic Relationship”, you immediately think of “Abusive”. That’s the stereotype of “Toxic Relationship”, a very obvious term.
There are also different types of Abusive, some quite obvious and some not even noticeable.
All about the Hands and Mouths.
*control your hormones people. Not meaning it in a dirty way.
Often the Hands and Mouths aren’t used in ways they are supposed to be used, instead, they are used to hurt the other person, intentionally or unintentionally. In this type of relationship, you tend to find yourself in situations that are hard to explain through words without embarrassing yourself in front of your friends and family. Your Partner tends to express themselves physically or verbally, in a very ill way. They particularly choose to blame you for their actions, perhaps labeling it as your punishment or the consequences of your mistakes. They would also blame you for triggering them to behave in such a way with you.
The physical abuse doesn’t have to be that severe to give you bruising but just pushing you aggressively, or just small bits like pinching you or even just holding you very hardly can also be considered as abuse.
I know you all must be thinking that, well these are normal, happens in anger, it’s not harmful. Yea true. It might not harm you, might not bruise you, might not kill you – but are you sure its normal ? are you sure it’s fine? Are you not hurt, emotionally? Do you not feel Embarrassed / Weak / Ashamed of yourself?
For example :
You haven’t picked up your partner’s call on the first ring, and when you do – your partner starts bashing on you, swearing at you and basically insulting you to your core and phone cut. Now you are repeatedly calling them, apologizing and stuff.
Example 2 :
You are in a party, you are in your vibe, perhaps tipsy – so you are socializing because of thats what you are supposed to do in a party. By Socialising I mean, actually talking not making out, flirting, or whatever of those sorts – just simple human conversation. Your partner happens to see you being socializing and holds you in front of them, making it look like he/she is hugging you, holding your hand or just arm around the waist but secretly holding you so tight that it’s actually hurting you. Lowkey giving you a sign that “you are so F*cked”.
You will keep finding yourself clouding the abuse, saying “it’s normal for couples to fight..” “It’s not always…” “It will be fine later on..”
But the brutal truth is, No, it’s not normal, no it shouldn’t ever happen and no, it won’t be fine once it has started. The thing is, Yes, agreed. That actions when angry are aggressive and perhaps not controlled. But it’s doesn’t mean, there aren’t other decent ways to tackle the problems, the fights, the anger… Physical and Verbal abuse might have calm you down, but honestly, it didn’t solve anything – it just made it go away… because of fear & giving up.
This is all about Mind-Games. This partner is slaying his/her game in playing with your mind. Often you don’t notice it at all. These mind-players are physically and Mentally very strong, they will control you in ways you feel like, loved.
You will slowly find yourself changing according to their will, doing something according to them. No, don’t misunderstand this with compromising and adjusting – this is called refiguring, rebuilding and redesigning you. That means, your partner is totally changing you not just something of you.
Now you must be like, ain’t nobody that crazy that they don’t understand that they are being redesigned. Well, trust me when I say, Yes. It happens. Normally all these changes, are noticed by someone who knows you from a very long long time, your best friend or your family members. The thing is, you carry that character that your partner built, everywhere – with them or not with them, that’s now the New You.
For example, you like to Laugh out real loud, very openly – nothing harm in that right? So one day, you with your partner being yourself, something funny occurred and you laughed the way you do, your partner doesn’t like but of course your partner doesn’t point it out like normal people. Your partner would instead, just give you a look, or talk to you in a very way, that will install the message in your brain without even sounding bad or restricting that laughing out loud is not good… suddenly next time, you have this inner voice telling “No, don’t – remember what he said? It’s not good.”
But when you finally break up, you think about and realize you completely got yourself played and redesigned by your partner, things that were not even harmful, habits that are not even anyone’s business, your personality, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you dress, everything – is redesigned… you just don’t feel yourself anymore…
These type of partners are not easily pointed out, sometimes they themselves don’t realize that they are doing such. Overall the partner can be very loving and actually nice – but that is also as long as you are the way they want you to be.
Do note, that changing yourself & having to change yourself for your partner are two different things. Changing certain habits for your partner is called compromising and adjusting –
Having to change yourself for your partner is called controlling and manipulating.
In this relationship, everything is fine & jolly as long as you answer the 4 Ws. Who? When? Why? What?. I am sure you must’ve got the vibe of what type of partner these might be. The 24/7 FBI for useless shit, and are only exclusively for you. They are easily pointed out, not only by you but by your people also. They need to know everything that you know, everything that your friends know, – you get the picture right?
They are very direct with their needs and thirst for information. No, don’t mistake them for “Gossipers”. They are only interested in pieces of information that involves you and is about you. No matter about your family, your friends, your personal life. Yes everyone needs to have a personal life that excludes their partners and everyone else, and call it “Me-TIME”. You deserve it. This type of partner often is mixed with the above-listed examples of Abusive personalities.
Normally this personality wakes up, after an incident – you know, perhaps your partner finds out you talking to a certain someone they personally don’t like, or you going to a place they personally don’t approve. It doesn’t mean you were doing those deeds with wrong intentions but just because of their personal views on certain things, they will start with the 4-Ws attitude. They would often blame you for fu*king with your partner’s trust. Basically, you are under supervision 24/7, having to report to your partner of every step you take, and having zero privacy. Total prison & police feel.
The examples of the 4-Ws are ;
Who were you with?
When are you going home?
Why are you there?
What are you doing there?
Now, there are times – when your partner asks you these 4-Ws with love & with actual care, that’s acceptable and sweeeeeeeeeeeet as F*ck!
But the abusive type is – when they ask you to provide proofs along with your statements. When you are asked because of their doubtful-brain. When you are asked in anger and insecurity. That’s when it starts being both mentally & emotionally abusing.
Their doubtful behaviour starts expanding to – calling audio calling / video calling you constantly because you are with someone else rather than with your partner, constantly keeping an eye on your social sites, or what type of posts you put, or what posts you comment or like, whom you follow or follow you, who you are friends with. They would want an instant reply on their texts, leaving them on seen is not acceptable & being online – not chatting with them triggers the question “who you talking with?” All these small things triggered them with their 4-Ws.
These behaviors start to make you embarrassed in front of your friends, family or even ago workplace. You will be judged, made fun of and even looked down at…
But when you finally break ties with your partner, you will sense FREEDOM! You will sense Mind-Peace! You will sense the stability of your brain & heart!
I can go on and on with the lists of such type of Toxic relationships, but I have only listed the most common ones, the top ones.
A relationship must be based on 3 things, Loyalty, Trust & Understanding. Partners must be willing to talk & listen to one another, no matter what the circumstances. If there are fights happening, try to sort it out, instead of bursting out. Of course, if things aren’t getting better – the bitter truth is; things are never going to work out for you guys & its time to call it the end.
The main point is, toxic relationships are very common, it might not be very severe, it might not be often even, maybe only sometimes, maybe only seldom. But once you have Fear in your relationship, once you are getting scared of your partner, and once you think lying to your partner can save your ass, it’s already over. A true relationship is to be felt with love & care, not with Fear & anger.
Understandable, sometimes things happen when one is angry – of course, you are human, you shall react. But of course, always try to solve the problem within a day and avoid blocking and the silent treatment. It’s just going to work. ALWAYS TALK PEOPLE, COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY.